Right now, as I write this, I’m harnessing my intellectual overexcitability and coping with my emotional one. My curiosity and drive to understand giftedness inspires me to research and write. And I write while my feelings of negative self-judgment threaten to derail the whole process. Sheesh.
This is how it is, every month with every article. The process is wonderful and exhausting, and it’s a snapshot of what it’s like to be me and gifted.
The most commonly held misconception about overexcitabilities (OE’s) is that they are something to “cure” or overcome. But that would be a terrible waste of some of the gifted individual’s best and most intrinsic qualities.
OEs are a set of inborn characteristics that come hand-in-hand for most people with advanced cognitive abilities. They are the intensities and sensitivities many of you beautiful people are coping with in your families, workplaces and social situations.
OEs are something to accept, appreciate, and master. I know mine will never go away; they will rear their intense heads at the most inopportune times, even after lying dormant for long periods. It’s my job to love them and make them work for me.
The concept of OEs first came about through the research of Polish psychologist and psychiatrist Kazimierz Dabrowski (1902-1980). Simply stated, OEs are a person’s heightened ability to perceive and respond to stimuli – anything from an algebra problem to the seams in your socks to a glorious sunset.
This excellent SENG (Supporting the Emotional Needs of the Gifted) article lists and defines OEs as follows:
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Emotional – experiencing things deeply
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Imaginational – capacity to visualize, invent, and create
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Intellectual – inquisitive and reflective
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Psychomotor – a surplus of energy
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Sensual (Sensory) – intense responsiveness to sight, sound, touch, taste, and smell
Over my next five blog articles, I will examine each OE and provide tips for identifying and coping with them. (For those of you wishing to follow along at home, take a moment to subscribe to my blog.)
Let’s begin with the emotional overexcitability.
Have you ever interpreted your child as overreacting to a perceived injustice that you know your neighbor’s kid would take in stride? Does your child have surprisingly deep, personal relationships with others, animals, or even toys? Do they alternate between extreme joy and extreme sadness with relative frequency?
These are some of the ways the emotional OE expresses itself.
Many gifted children, particularly teenagers, who struggle with the emotional OE are misdiagnosed with mood disorders. They are told that something is wrong with them, that they are too sensitive and need to “toughen up.” They are pathologized by well-meaning people who truly want to help but just aren’t educated on gifted theory.
This is a big part of the reason why gifted advocacy is so important.
There are many reasons to appreciate the emotional OE. First and foremost, the emotional OE is the source of your gifted child’s amazing empathy. Have you ever been taken aback by your child’s demonstration of care for another child who is hurting? In my opinion, this is the most wonderful way the emotional OE expresses itself.
While the emotional OE can be intense for everyone involved, there are ways to lessen the impact. You may remember in a previous article, titled “Living With (Not Indulging) Intensity,” I gave the advice to “anticipate and empathize”.
When possible (and sometimes this can be extremely difficult, so be easy on yourself), anticipate the situations that are going to trigger this OE in your child. Situations may include sad or emotionally-intense movies and books, harsh or insensitive people, or sometimes a change in a plan to which the child was deeply attached.
Then, when your child’s emotional OE is triggered, take a moment and slow down to connect with them. Check in, ask them their feelings, and never minimize. They may be too overcome to communicate their feelings in that moment; make sure your child knows that you are there for them when they are ready.
You’ll be so touched by what they share when they feel comfortable to let their emotional OE unfold at their own pace. And the intensity of the impact will be minimized over time.
Has this or a different approach helped your child to cope with their emotional OE? I’d love to hear your story in the comments below.
Great article. I find myself setting myself up for these reactions they have to various situations. Understanding what is coming next is key.
We are really starting to communicate better. I will work on being more available and open to their emotions and try and talk them through more. We had a great weekend playing at the river and camping. Lorie will post some must see pics later this week.
* Joe Wadsworth* Custom Source Woodworking, Inc. phone: (360) 491-9365 ext 100 cell: (360) 918-6205 fax: (360) 491-5909 mail: 7745 Arab Dr SE, Unit D, Olympia, WA 98501
Hi. In this article, you gave a very useful advice of connecting and letting their OE unfold at their own pace to reduce intensity. It work very well when I am with him. What if I am not with my child? How can he cope on his own?
Exactly my question, too. I was never given the coping skills myself, and now I am learning as I go along so that I can help my son.
I’ve had good luck by having my daughter practice yoga, which helps her be better able to cope with “excitable” situations and people. Yesterday was the first day of school, and she was in the family room doing yoga poses, all on her own, because she said she felt “excited AND nervous from head to toe”. I was so proud of her!
I look forward to reading more about this. My gifted child often seems to talk with the caps lock on. I have up to this point tried to suppress this but I don’t know if it is the right thing to do.
My girls are very emotionally intense. With my older daughter, it was a struggle for me to learn how to help her through situations that it seemed every other child handled with ease. As she was my first child, I didn’t quite realize for awhile that other children her age weren’t learning just as quickly as she was and my husband and I were somewhat puzzled by some of the emotional and behavioral situations she presented. When all her peers and those younger than her have watched movies like Finding Nemo, Cinderella, even the Curious George animated movie – too many moments of these were entirely unbearable for her – and still are. Things like that were easy to remedy – for movie night we offered easy going Kipper and other calm/non-threatening options. Successfully handling real-life in-the-moment emotional issues were more challenging. Breaking the news about a change of plans brought on breakdowns – you would think the world was ending watching her. Separation anxiety was a huge issue, long after she was 2. We eventually learned to rephrase for her – to list possibilities of plans or situations and how they might unfold so she can have some ability to mentally prepare for more than one direction. You are absolutely right to advocate anticipation of potential triggers and doing damage control to lessen the impact. Through doing so, my older daughter has improved her ability to adapt and respond more effectively to the challenges presented to her in her daily life. She still requires regular coaching and we work to openly communicate with her, but she is slowly finding her way with her relationships and ability to advocate for herself – the most important things of all from where I stand.
Despite knowing about my daughter’s Emotional OE (she has the full package, all 5), I took her to see “Les Miserables” with what I now recognize as precious little preparation. Well, the misery I had told her would be part of the film turned out to be overpowering even for me as an adult, with the closeups of the prostitutes and the falling into the sewers etc. She was shaking and crying and wanting to leave, but as we sat smack bang in the middle of the cinema, we’d have to displace at least 20 people to get out, so I offered her a place on my lap, instead. We managed to complete the viewing, but it was very, very hard on her, and we had to talk a lot afterwards. I regretted taking her for a while, but then I realized that this actually turned out to be an excellent training session for dealing with the Emotional OE, for both of us. It also gave us the opportunity to compare our reactions to those of people we knew who also saw the movie, and made it abundantly clear that most people are emotional retards compared to the depth of our reactions… My daughter’s friends watched the movie without becoming upset, which surprised me until I remembered that I had previously complained about them not being very empathetic.
All in all, the harrowing experience of full-blown overexcitability proved to be worth it, at least to me. I think she will also get there, but it might take a couple, or, say, 10 years.
No one likes a bragger, and putting your daughter on a pedestal thru academic pressure, is likely going to rebound for her later on.
Reblogged this on Overexcitable.
I just found ur site on pintrest. I love the idea of getting ur child out and having physical activities, but what if ur gifted child is already doing something like that, for instance, soccer. . My son is 11 almost 12 and is so hard on himself. He demands perfection and beats himself up when ever he falls short in his own mind. The more frustrated he gets the worse he does… Please help!
Sincerely,
Laura
Laura, Thanks for visiting! Sign-up for my mailing list and we can book a free 15-minute consult to talk more in-depth about what’s up for your son. I’m here to help. 🙂
Jade, Thank you so much for linking to my blog series about the overexcitabilities! And for being such an inspiration. 🙂
Hi Jade
I’ve always known that there was something different about me since I was a kid (a freak of sorts) & my discovery 2 days ago of Dabrowski’s Excitabilities describes me so precisely, it’s scary.
My problem is that I’m around 50 & my kids & husband think I’m a freak, I struggle so severely some days to keep a lid on myself that most days I don’t manage very well & everyone around me has had quite enough of me (including myself). I’ve even considered a lobotomy as an alternative in the past but no-one will do it to a ‘normal’ person (yeah right) & I’d give anything to kill my emotions or dull them to around 15% of their usual level. I’ve been (mis?)diagnosed with adult ADD , my middle son seems to also suffer from this curse (we don’t get on as a result) & my husband & 2 other kids are Autistic spectrum which creates problems coz til now, I always thought that he just doesn’t care & actually dislikes me on some levels.
I’d like to ask you what books, videos, seminars, indeed ANYTHING that you’d recommend someone in my position read etc (coz my time resources are limited) so that I can benefit from the knowledge that you wonderful people have gleaned asap.
I feel that the sooner I can get a handle on myself, the sooner I can begin to feel & act like a normal person again (I have actually had that for a short while in my life). Then maybe I can slow down & make the connections that I should have made quite a long time ago.
Thanks so much for your very eye-opening blogs, it’s heartening to meet a fellow ‘freak’ ;-)…