“The times when kids need your love the most may be the times when they behave in the most unloving of ways. Try to understand what is happening in their heads and their hearts and address that first.” — Corin Goodwin, Gifted Homeschoolers Forum Executive Director
Anger is a tricky emotion that is too often seen as taboo in our culture. I can understand how this came to be; an angry person is full of unpredictable energy that can express itself in some very tragic ways. And that can be scary.
But are we scared of the emotion itself? Or are we fearful of the unhealthy expression of that emotion? It can be difficult to separate the two!
After all, there are plenty of good reasons for a gifted child to be angry. Millions of gifted children feel misunderstood and lonely, living in a world that seems to think they’ll be fine on their own. Even more gifted children aren’t identified as gifted because they have a learning difference or don’t do well on standardized tests. And what about those gifted children who have families that can’t afford testing or services?
It’s infuriating!
For the fifth installment of our Six Types series we are taking a careful look at Type 4: The Angry gifted child. And you’ll notice that this article is a bit longer than the others I’ve written in this series. For good reason.
In my career I’ve seen angry students commit some serious harm to themselves and others. I know anger, and I understand anger; I want to help these students learn how to use, redirect, and express their anger in a healthy way.
I’ll be honest with you, I have not been 100 percent successful in that endeavor.
And I’m not going to sugar coat things — it’s hard.
Processing a child’s anger is some of the most difficult work you will ever do with another human.
If at all possible, do not go at it alone. Find help from as many understanding support people as possible – doctors, therapists, ministers, coaches, trusted love ones, etc.
Many of the parents who answered the quiz with mostly D’s know firsthand how the unhealthy expression of anger can rot away a child’s self-esteem and ability to maintain fulfilling friendships. It fills you with worry, keeps you up at night, and maybe it even makes you angry.
In my experience, anger in gifted children is often fueled by anxiety, a common byproduct of various overexcitabilities.
And if anxiety triggers a fight-or-flight response, some gifted children are going to fight.
If your child is indeed anxious, the first step is to help them learn how to self soothe and regulate their own emotional state. Many families have found the book From Worrier to Warrior: A Guide to Conquering Your Fears a wonderful tool for helping children learn exactly that.
If your child is little older you may want to try out The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook; a friend recommended this one to me and I’ve been recommending it ever since.
The best thing every person can do at the onset of anger is take a break. During a time of calm, share with your child the phrase “I’m angry and I need a break.” Let them know that this is the healthy way to deal with anger and that you are not going to chase after them and make them explain themselves, or try to talk them into anything. Teach them to take time and breathe. You can also positively model this strategy yourself when you are feeling angry.
Try hard not to punish them for taking a break by forcing them to make up whatever they missed while taking their breather. This means that for a while your child may miss assignments, important social occasions, and (gasp!) chores. Until your angry gifted child learns to control her anger, those things are going to have to take a back seat.
When your child feels ready to return from her breather, try going for a walk or doing something creative in an attempt to release that energy.
Anger journaling is great for that; the entries can be prose, pictures or both. Have you seen the Wreck This Journal series? Those journals are specifically designed to take a beating, and they make being angry fun! 😉
More than anything, try not to judge or invalidate your child’s experience. They are angry and they feel justified in that anger.
No amount of reasoning in those angry moments is going to help your child. In fact, it will probably drive an even larger wedge between you.
If you can muster it, righteously reflect that anger back to them with conviction. “It is frustrating that your teacher said he was going to give extra time to finish and then forgot! I’d be mad too!” or “I can totally get why you’d be mad that we can’t go to the museum today! You love museums!”
You can explore and demonstrate empathy for the teacher later. Right now it’s about showing your child that you take their emotions seriously. And remember that you’re reflecting, not fixing. We’ll talk about why we don’t fix in another post.
For the next post, we’ll discuss Type 5: The Twice-exceptional gifted child in more detail.
Have you found a helpful book or strategy that helped your child conquer their anger? Won’t you share your perspective on the different types of gifted learners and where you think your child fits in the comments? I love hearing from you.
*This blog post is based on the article, Profiles of the Gifted and Talented (Betts, George, and Maureen Neihart. Profiles of the gifted and talented. Gifted Child Quarterly, National Association for Gifted Children (NAGC), 1988. Web. 2013. <http://www.davidsongifted.org/db/Articles_id_10114.aspx>.).
*This blog post contains amazon affiliate links. If you’d like to support my mission of gifted advocacy and education please visit my Amazon store for a list of carefully curated books and games for gifted children, families, and the professionals that serve them.
Thank you for this. Some good strategies here. I will be working on “reflecting, not fixing”. 🙂 Looking forward to the 2e post.
You’re welcome! Please let me know how that works out for you. If you would like to talk further about how to best support your child contact me about setting up a free mini-coaching session. Good luck!
This was exactly what I needed to read today! We have been struggling for years with our 6 year old and are working to put the pieces together. Thank you for validating how difficult it is.
Hi Megan,
Have you signed up for my mailing list? When you do, you will recieve a FREE seven day e-course designed to help you better understand and support these intense little guys. Best of luck.
Thank you for the ideas. I have two boys both very gifted. One is a fighter and one is a worrier. Makes for an interesting dynamic. Always looking for new ways to help them cope and see the thru their eyes!
I think having a look though their eyes is a great first step. Good luck!
Our concern is that our child’s anger over interactions with other children at school will drive her into herself . Her mother did this for years , until we moved to a city with a performing/fine arts school for gifted kids . There are only private, religon based schools in this small town where she is currently attending a woefully inadequate public school . She is supposedly in a gifted program , but in a regular classroom where the teachers are overwhelmed with number of students, and diversity of backgrounds and abilities . She has difficulty with hand writing , which slows her down, making her the object of ridicule from some students . She is releasing her anger and frustration at home during homework sessions with her Mom .
We are considering home schooling , and need a recommendation , both as to this being a reasonable solution to her problem , and a particular system. She is in third grade , almost nine , and miserable . Any suggestions and ideas you have to help us would be greatly appreciated . We expect to compensate you for your time and effort , and to make full use of books and items you have recommended.
Sincerely ,
Sue Pontius , concerned grandmother
Dear Sue, I understand these circumstances and would be honored to help. I have sent you an email, I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Thank you! As grandparents raising a gifted child..we find it very difficult to deal with noncompliance and anger..As we get angry ourselves! A lesson for all
Yes, and I actually think it’s good for children to know that everyone gets angry and that it is everyone’s responsibility to handle their anger. Don’t you think?
I’m so thrilled to find you! My daughter (turning 10 in a month) has gone from intense to angry. I’m feeling overwhelmed while caring for our 6 year old and maintaining peace in our home and at school. I’m looking forward to reading everything you have listed and hearing more of your ideas.
I am so happy to find this article. We have a ten year old son that is very gifted, angry, and anxious. It’s so hard to know how to help him handle his behavior correctly.
I understand. Sometimes an expression of anger can be overwhelming or unexpected. I do hope your family is getting the help they need. Thank you for your comment.
Thank you jade
Rivera. This article has some interesting tips and recommendations. I have 2 gifted children and they are overwhelming at times.
Thanks and my blessiings.
Jade:
I have an amazingly gifted 8 year old boy. He reads on a high school level and can string together timelines of history and is all things science. He is deeply loving, when he’s deeply loving. However, I cannot seem to find a correlation between stimuli and acting out with him. Sometimes his tantrums are caused by a situation or stimuli. Sometimes, they honestly seem to come out of the blue and he does not even have a cause to name for his anger or outburst. It seems he just doesn’t have the resources within him to acquaint himself with what is going on. It costs him many friendships, which makes me so sad, as his favorite thing to do is connect with people and he’s amazing at it when he is peaceful.
Your son does sound amazing! I’m sorry to hear that things are rough for him. Have you looked at his diet? Some food allergies or intolerances can create fluctuations in mood? Also, is he eating enough? So many of these kids live in their heads and hunger can feel like an afterthought when they’re in flow.
Yes, I’m the grandmother of a ten year old gifted granddaughter and I find this whole deal with the constant anger very frustrating to understand. At what point does the mirroring and reflecting back to them about their frustrations actually not work because they are totally being insufferable and know what you are doing and so it doesn’t work. I have to put up with I think verbal abuse as well as constant rudeness from this child who has every advantage to be able to have a good life. How many excuses do I have to make before I just ground her or take away privilege to get her to understand that anger in society for whatever reason won’t be tolerated in college or the work place and certainly this anger will drive friends away. I feel too many excuses are used because they are considered gifted not to give appropriate discipline. This child gets out of bed angry and no matter what we do she stays angry until she decides not to be. It’s intolerable.
I hear your frustration. Have you ever heard of the book, The Explosive Child? I beleive this book may put your grandaughter’s behavior into perspective. If you read it, let me know your thoughts.
I have 10 year old gifted boy and he wakes up angry for no reasons. He also likes to argue for every single things. I tried and tried everyday and I feel tired. I am not giving up though. Just exhausting. I may try read some books which recommended above. It’s difficult to seek help in the city I am living. People see us like a monster.
Hello Fifi,
I’m sorry to hear that things aren’t going well at the moment. I doubt that he wakes up angry for “no reason”, there is always a reason for anger even if it’s not readily apparent or easy to communicate about. I hope you do take a look at the books I suggest. I think they will help you greatly. Best wishes.
Another great read! Thank you for sharing your insight. I have learned that it helps to talk through and prepare for “meltdown” causing situations before they happen. For example – if we are going to play a game we discuss proper behavior when one is losing instead of winning. It has helped. We made it through Christmas with extended family without a single meltdown. That is a great accomplishment for us.
Yes! As I say in another post, you’ve got to “anitcipate and empathize” in order to head off stressful experiences before they occur. Thanks for you comment Tami! I’m so glad to hear you had a calm(ish) holiday season. 🙂
My daughter is 8 years old but acts and argues like she is 14. She is well above her grade level in all subjects and she has no problems with behavior at school. Once she is home, she starts arguing with me and her 6 year old sister every day. It can be over little things like looking in her direction to me telling her it is time to start her homework. The waiting list for any child psychologist here is very long and I need to help her. She is begging me for help. But nothing I have tried has worked. I have read many books, tried teaching her calming breathing techniques, and even told her to just call a time out and tell me how she is feeling so we can get past the arguments. It all works for a week or so, then goes right back to how it was. I don’t want her to feel like she is less loved or that I am targeting her, because she is the one to always start the yelling. Please, can you tell me if this is normal? How can I get her to want to be included in our family without constantly yelling at us?
Hi Rachel,
Thanks so much for our comment. Would you mind contact me through my site directly? My response is a little too involved for a blog comment.
I need the same advice as Rachel B. (above), please.
Hello! Well, our gifted son is so awesome and come so far. However, he lives in a fight or flight insecurity, it seems.
When he is peaceful, he is a dream… but with social pressures at a new school (he is 9) or anywhere, there is a lot for him to navigate. It seems he lives in the question, “Where do I fit?” and can react from circumstances to just thoughts that may be in his head.
He can be hurtful with words or shoving back or intense arguing.
Praying and ordered the books you suggested.
As a former gifted kid who often got angry, this resonated a lot–I wish some of this advice had been around when I was that age! I wanted to second the importance of “reflecting, not fixing.” A lot of the time, just knowing that someone else really gets it and will say so (particularly if that someone is either the cause of the anger or a parent) is enough to diminish the anger all on its own.
Another big issue centers on “effect, not intent.” So often it’s easy for gifted kids (and pretty much anyone else) to read intent into situations where it really isn’t there: not only does this cause more anger, it causes parents and others to get defensive and try to explain what their intent really was. Again, this is a critical moment for “reflecting, not fixing.” At first you’ll REALLY want to set the record straight on what you meant, but just affirming that you can see where the other person is coming from and listening to how the whole situation affected them in real life, regardless of intent, is a lot more likely to help them cool down. Then quite often your desire to defend and explain goes away, too.
A final thing would be “asking, not guessing.” A big problem with gifted kids is that they can be so quick to grasp what’s going on intellectually that they sometimes assume they know best in situations where they really don’t, and then forget to ask for confirmation. If these situations include reading body language, interpreting verbal comments, or other social situations with a lot of potential ambiguity, misunderstandings can cause things to go from zero to 60 very quickly. So encourage your kids (starting by setting an example yourself!) to “ask, don’t guess.” It’s hard at first because it feels like asking the obvious, but it’s surprising how different the answers can be from what you may have expected.
Again, great tips–good luck as you continue to work through these challenging and important topics!
It is the hardest situation with which to deal, especially when they are in the middle of an explosive episode. I have found that it works to speak what they are feeling back to them with empathy. I do believe that when the situation is calm and we believe the students is in a listening mood, we still need to correct him/her, and also let this student know that losing control has its consequences. Otherwise, we are setting this person up to expect others to tread lightly whenever he/she loses her temper. So it is a delicate balance. I also believe that if we begin the year finding out the temperament of each student, it will help us know how to teach them and to respond to them when they get angry.
How does the information in this article/video influence my approach to students?
I understand that some children get angry for whatever reason and I have make sure I show that I care about their feelings.
What insight has been gained that is worth sharing with my educational community? (administrators,
teachers, coaches, parents, etc.)
We have to get the child calmed down and fix the issue later.
What action do I need to take?
I need to practice working on being more patient with this type of child not take anything personal.
Thank you for writing this. I’m starting to have problems with my son who is gifted his anger just got him suspended from school. I don’t know what to do
My son is 10 now, we have been dealing with anger issues for what I would say is about 6 months at its worst. He’s always had a hard time being positive and happy, but ever since I got remarried it feels like his anger has escalated so much. My husband also has 2 kids, both girls, and they have commented on how they want to live with their mom now because my son is so out of control. I came across this site in online searches and I bet his anger is anxiety related. He started going back and forth to his dads house every other weekend a while ago as well. I’m wondering if this was the trigger for the anger and anxiety to skyrocket and become so unbearable. He throws things, hits and kicks things, he threatens to kill others even though I know he won’t. I’m at a loss for what to do at this point, so I will start with the ideas you’ve given here and hope for the best.
My 4 year old grandson has used language above his age for a couple of years now, i.e. he’d ask to be held and then point to words on a map of the universe and ask,”What is this trying to tell me papa?” On another occasion he asked his mom what her favorite planet was and add, “Is it a hot or cold planet?”
He also can get very focused on what he’s doing to the point he’s in his own world and doesn’t want to be bothered by anyone. If you talk to him at these moments, he will completely ignore you. If it is another child wanting to play with him or retrieve their toy that he took from them, he can become very angry and hit them. Once the dog jumped on the couch and laid down, as soon as he noticed it he got angry and screamed, “I wanted to sit there!” and hit the dog hard on her head with an open palm. He’s unusually strong and very quick.
He can also be very loving and kind but you just don’t know what side of him you’ll see.
A pediatrician said he is showing signs of being gifted but I have to wonder if there’s something else going on too?
Hi…this desribes my child to a tee…where would I find the other 5 types of characteristics of the gifted child? Very interesting…would love to read!♥️
Hi Jade Rivera,
My daughter is 12 years old. She is in a very good school, but she critizises her teachers and thinks that her peers are stupid. She is very angry. I let her express her anger at home, but I do not want her to be punished by her teachers and peers. What should I do apart from listening to her when she is angry?