Some of you already know I spend a lot of time thinking about how to communicate with children. I love to think about the economy of language, how many words to say… or not say! Hint: across the board, I find fewer words are better.
I like to think of effective communication as a puzzle. I ponder questions like, which words can I choose that will have the most impact? How can I express myself while giving respect to my needs as well as those of the child? How can I talk about a challenge without making anyone wrong? These are just a few of the questions that drive my work and writing.
Some of the most important words an adult can say to a child are,
“I don’t know.”
Followed up with,
“I wonder how we can find out?”
Beginning with “I don’t know” is powerful for all involved. Firstly, it sure does take the pressure off of you! I’ve encountered adults that seem to think they are failing their children if they aren’t the expert in all things. Doesn’t that sound exhausting… not to mention impossible? Secondly, if we’re trying to combat perfectionism and anxiety in gifted and twice-exceptional children, why don’t we start by combatting those tendencies in ourselves and model what it looks like to be a humble, authentic, and fallible human?
There’s already a lot written about empathy and how vital it is to maintaining meaningful relationships. But how do we impart empathy? I can think of a few ways, and they all lead back to the same need — authenticity (also known as deep honesty). I believe that being authentic is how we best show empathy.
Ending the conversation with “I wonder how we find out” isn’t an ending at all; it leaves room for wonder. Find the joy in wonder and pass it down to the children in your life. This is how we can make meaning of learning and instill it as a value in our children… and, ultimately, our shared human culture.
P.S. This is different than telling a child to “Google it.” While Google may be where you end up, heading straight there without any heart-opening communication or exploration can sap the fun and wonder out of those moments.
Three of the Most Powerful Words an Adult Can Say to a Child
YES! 100% agree! It is so powerful to be in the space of “I don’t know” with a young person. To model that knowing actually begins in not knowing! The trust that this grows is priceless. And of course it makes teaching so much more enjoyable as well. 🙂
Lately, it feels like you and I are on a ‘let’s have fun teaching, only what sparks joy’ kick. It’s pretty awesome. 🙂
Interesting. I like this but what happens egen your kid keeps insisting you must have the answer…
I needed to read this – thank you!
Absolutely spot on for me in this moment Jade. I love the open ended question of ‘I wonder how we could find out?’ that promotes the curiosity. As a parent the pressure to have the answers is immense and I see now, totally self imposed! I can say ‘I don’t know’ AND follow it up with something that may lead to a discovering. I will totally be practicing this throughout my week and I just know that my child will be surprising me with many many interesting responses as I give him the space to keep his ‘wonder’. Thank you Jade!
LOVE!!
I spend my life saying “I don’t know!”, Mainly because I a)I very rarely DO know the answer to his questions and feel so much dimmer than my 7yo 😀 b) because these horrendous questions usually occur when he has time to think, which is only in the car!!!!! We’ve started to write a list of things to remember to find out about when we get home!
Yes, and if you are working with a 2e child, there is a very good chance that you won’t know much 🙂
Excellent words of advice!